Every time I hear someone say that I should be “present”, I mentally want to slap them because I can’t. I CAN’T stay present, don’t you understand?! I am a modern woman, and I have things to do… things I piled upon myself.
To me, being present is a feeling, a state of mind. My state of mind is always on the next subject. When it comes to feelings, I locked them deep down in me, because feelings are a complete distraction that slows me down from doing things, and more things, and more things. Kids, work, bills, emails, social media, errands, exercise, meditation, nights out, cooking, entertaining… So please, don’t tell me to be present, my life is very happening!
Now I sat back and realized what the problem evident here is.
Hi, I am Zuma, and I am addicted to doing things.
Am I? Don’t I have to do all these things? Isn’t everyone else doing all these things? Aren’t we all addicted? Life offers so many opportunities now, and I finally have the opportunity to do it all, and I don’t want to be the one who can’t do it all.
I DON’T WANT TO BE THE ONE WHO CAN’T DO IT ALL!
Has this chaotic, crazy, and overloaded life of mine been just a marathon I run to prove to me and probably to everyone around me that I CAN do it all? And at what cost?
Okay, let’s see at what cost:
- Music: I haven’t listened to music for years, because music would wake up my heart and that would certainly slow me down.
- Money: I spent money on stuff to make myself feel good, then donating that stuff to make me feel less overwhelmed.
- Reading: I haven’t read anything but self-help books for years.
- Health: I wear an Apple watch so I could count steps and be reminded to breathe.
- Stress: I am constantly stressed, but even my so-called self-care practices are nothing but a part of a non-stop cycle of doing things.
- Focus: I can’t stay on topic long enough because my mind starts craving to do the next thing.
- Relaxation: As many times as I have been to Hawaii for work (pics of ocean and palm trees are all over my Instagram!), I haven’t actually lied down on the beach while doing nothing for the last thirty years. The most I did was to take three deep breaths of that beautiful salty air.
- Flatlining: I used to have dreams and goals, but I don’t have a plan where I am going. I only know that wherever I am going, I am going fast. Meanwhile, years go by.
Does all this worth to make me feel worthy?
A few days ago I was reading a book about French cooking. Aside from cooking, it talked about human senses. It said that they are one of the greatest gifts we are given at birth. Senses bring color, beauty, and meaning to our lives.
Well, this makes a complete sense! Senses are what actually bring color, beauty, and meaning to our lives. Sight, taste, smell, touch, hearing… now, hear and listen and feeeeeeel!
As much as I appeared to have a “happening life”, I did not feel it!
So what’s it’s value then?
And as a first step of rebuilding my life and getting back to basics, I will have to unlock the senses I was given at birth, embrace them, and sharpen them.
What to do now? Today I will turn music on, and let it slow me down. I can assume that a few things will fall out of my list unaccomplished, and I will let them be. If they don’t, I will try again tomorrow, practice will make it perfect.
Now? Lets the healing journey begin.